The No Ma'am Challenge: Behind the Skill of Saying "No."
“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage pleasantly, smilingly, and non-apologetically – to say no to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger yes burning inside.” ~ Stephen Covey
There's a great movie called Yes Man with Jim Carrey. If you haven't seen it, basically it's about a guy who is stuck in a rut with his negative ways, always saying 'no' to every opportunity he comes across. He ends up at a self-help seminar and is challenged to say 'yes' to everything, leading him to have transformative experiences. It’s a great lesson in being open to opportunity and new things.
As an executive coach, I've witnessed a different challenge—when it comes to women leaders, it’s the opposite scenario of Yes Man. Women executives tend to say 'yes' to every project, task, challenge, favor, or request for help that presents before them. There are a few reasons this is the case, but, from my perspective, it boils down to social norms and our upbringing.
Why We Should Say No
Women are raised to be the helpers. We often feel the need to be everything to everyone. Our parents, our spouses, our children, our friends, our colleagues, our bosses, our community. The pandemic has only exacerbated this fact—we feel the need to be on and accessible to all those we know. We ignore our own needs or intuition and we feel guilty if we say no, even if the ask is practically impossible for us to take on given the load we are currently carrying. We tell ourselves we can find a way to make it "work." If you’ve seen the recent Disney movie Encanto, this topic may bring up images of Luisa. (If you haven't, take a listen to this song) “Who am I if I can’t carry it all?”
If we say 'no' we fear we'll be viewed as less competent than our male counterparts. As we’re progressing in our career we have a lot more to prove and a lot more work to do to get to the same position as our male peers. If a man says no, he’s strategic. If a woman says no, she’s lazy or selfish, or incapable of doing the work. We're held to higher standards and have less to show for our efforts. That fact is clearly illustrated with the present-day gender pay gap. Factor in women of different races, ethnicities and orientations and the effects are exponential.
To prove our worth, to prove our competence, to avoid the guilt that comes with saying ‘no’, we say ‘yes’
to everything and it’s leading to burnout and less than stellar work performance. It has a negative impact on our mental well-being, physical well-being and also has a detrimental effect on our work and productivity, and all of that ripples out to everyone and everything around us.
Additionally, if we say ‘yes’ when we know we should say ‘no’ it can lead to regret and resentment and have an unintended consequence of damaging our relationships and partnerships we’ve worked so hard to build.
When & How to Say No
I get it. I know how hard it is to say no and establish your boundaries. Especially when we’ve spent most of our lives saying yes. Saying ‘yes’ is what got you to where you are, opened opportunities and stretched your limits so you learned and grew. That tactic will only get us so far. Once you’re up at a certain level you can hit a plateau or end up hurting your career because you’re not delivering on your promises. But here’s the catch—the busier you are, the more intentional you must be, and that includes saying no. If you say yes to everything, then everything suffers.
The first step to saying no, is knowing to what you must say yes. That involves prioritizing everything you are doing so you can evaluate whether or not you have the bandwidth to help with the entire request or part of it.
There are a few approaches to identifying on what you should focus:
The Rule of Three
Make a list of everything you do over the course of a week (or month).
Then, ask yourself, "If I could do only one thing all day long, which *one* task would contribute the greatest value to my organization and/or career?"
Do this exercise two more times and once you've identified the 3 things that bring the most value to your organization/career, concentrate on them all day.
It’s likely that 90% of the value you contribute to your company comes from these 3 tasks.
The rest try to delegate, outsource, downsize, or ask if they bring value at all.
Eisenhower Matrix
Create a 4x4 grid and plot out Urgent vs Important. You can read more about it in my blog, here. This will help you figure out how you have to Do, Schedule, Delegate, and Delete from your work.
By being clear on your priorities and your bandwidth, you can then say no with clarity and kindness and provide a little context with your response. Saying no doesn’t come naturally for most of us. So here are some ways you can decline, professionally. Keeping these in your back pocket will make it easier for you in the moment:
I appreciate you thinking of me. I cannot attend.
This is a really busy time for me right now, and I won’t be able to dedicate myself to this in the way that is needed.
(If your boss is asking you to take on one or more additional tasks) I’m happy to do X, Y, and Z; however, I would need three weeks, rather than two, to get everything done.
Or, I’m currently working on X, Y, and Z. I could add A and B, however, something would need to drop on the priority list. How would you like me to prioritize? (This way you’re putting the question back on the other person).
The Bright Side of No
The fear and unintended consequences are well-founded. When going through my own phase of learning how to say ‘no’ and move away from my need to please and keep the peace (i.e. saying ‘yes’), some people got angry with me, including my family. But, in all honesty, I was OK with that because I knew I wasn’t being selfish. I was taking care of myself. I was being self-ful. And by taking care of myself, and knowing and establishing boundaries, I was able to focus on the vital few things that I knew would improve my work, my life, and, in turn, benefit everyone around me. My relationships became stronger, I progressed in my career, and I had more peace of mind. I’ve learned that if something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t, and I would speak up.
I sometimes offer a partial tongue-and-cheek challenge to my women clients who are working on setting boundaries or are trying to manage overwhelm, where I challenge them to say no to everything that comes at them for a week or a day (to the extent that’s possible, of course). Instead of Yes Man, it’s No Ma’am! It’s incredibly hard for some of my clients to accept my No Ma’am Challenge, and in some instances they can’t say no, so the micro-step between yes and no, is a “pause”.
So what would a pause sound like? Try the following if you feel you have to build up to that ‘no’:
Let me look at my schedule/project list and get back to you.
I’d like to say no for now and I’ll get back to you if something changes.
Let me check with my manager/team/partner to figure out our priorities and see if something can be shifted around.
The objective with the Pause is to allow yourself time to think it over so you can give a thoughtful and truthful response instead of the habitual, “Yes, of course I’ll help.” Micro-steps help us build the muscles that are needed for some skills. You can’t just walk into a gym one day and bench your own body weight, you have to build up to that capacity. Same with many leadership skills like delegation, having difficult conversations, or setting boundaries.
At the end of Yes, Man, Jim Carrey’s has as talk with the motivational speaker with whom he made the covenant to say yes to everything, where Terence Stamp’s character as the motivational speaker shares the secret [spoiler alert]:
“You’re saying ‘yes’ not because you have to, or because the covenant tells you to, but because you know you your heart you want to.”
By accepting the No Ma’am Challenge, you may discover that not everything is on fire, not everything that crosses your desk is a priority, that people are more resourceful than they (or you) think, that things can work out by themselves. You may also discover where you can add more value and get a better understanding of what type of tasks bring you joy and energy.
The ability to say NO is incredibly difficult but it's the most effective way to remain focused and not lose sight of what is important.” ~ Steve Jobs
What will you say 'no' to so you can focus on what's most important and have greater impact in all you do? Where can you utilize a Pause so you can give a more intentional, thoughtful response that respects all involved, including yourself?
Leave a comment below about your experiences with yeses and nos, and if you'd be willing to accept the No Ma'am Challenge. Where can you utilize a Pause so you can give a more intentional, thoughtful response that respects all involved, including yourself? I would love to hear from you.
Holly Wright
Executive Coach
Wright Path Coaching & Consulting
holly@wrightpathcoaching.com
www.WrightPathCoaching.com
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